This is a roundup of all the exciting Blazers products available on Portland-Metro Craigslist. DISCLAIMER: I absolutely would not buy any of these things. I am a very, very cheap person with a spare aesthetic design sense. My dating profiles highlight my thriftiness and value as a low cost husband prospect. Owning anything this ephemeral would really mess with my brand.
This person is selling a collection of popular drinking glasses that were given away to boost attendance at games no one wanted to go to. You can buy the whole set for 250 dollars, OR you can buy every glass individually at a different price for every player: $75 for Aldridge, $60 for Lillard, $70 for Lopez, $45 for Batum and $45 for Matthews.
Do these prices make any sense? Math will tell us! The seller in question is asking for 295 dollars, in total, for the sale of these glasses as individual units. The Blazers starting five produced, by Basketball Reference’s (Imperfect, as all broad based value stats are) measurement, 42.7 wins. I have produced a Google Docs spreadsheet that tells us how accurate this seller’s pricing is:
Not that far off! I thought that Lopez’s glass would be grossly overpriced, but Win Shares seems to agree with this seller’s valuation. Aldridge was the most overvalued player by this person’s glass-pricing model, but it is worth mentioning that Win Shares are a sum stat and he was the only member of the starting lineup to miss any time this year.
If you buy all the glasses together, the seller is also offering a poster the team gave away that features every member of the roster and also what a small, feeble, bald, old man who wearing a Blazers jersey and holding a basketball.
Who is this man? Was it a man’s last wish to be included on this poster or is he an apparition, captured in the computer where this poster was Photoshopped? We will never know for sure.
This is a program for the Tournament of the Americas, the Qualifying Tournament for the 1992 Olympic Basketball Tournament, which was played in its entirety at the Memorial Coliseum in Portland. The tournament was the public debut of the 1992 US Olympic “Dream Team.” This collection of Hall-of-Famers and Christian Laettner were forced go through the indignity of qualifying for the Olympics because of the sad-ass college players we sent over getting pantsed by Toni Kukoc and the soon-to-be-dissolved nation of Yugoslavia in the 1990 FIBA World Championships. It was a frightening time, when America had very little sense of its identity. Thankfully, the Dream Team thoroughly humiliated the competition and brought a scared nation back to the brink, setting the stage for the eight-year non-stop party that was the Clinton Presidency. (The Bush Administration’s car wreck 2004 team and Obama’s more even footed and competitive, but not completely dominant, 2008 and 2012 teams were equally symbolic.)
I included this particular to say that my mother insists that me and my family were in attendance at one of these games. Apparently my late Grandmother, who scored tickets to all kinds of big events (I went to a lot of Disney on Ices), worked some magic. I don’t remember any of it. When I was four years old, I was in the presence of the greatest basketball team ever assembled, and all I can recall is a sort of hazy memory of red chairs and my mother, or maybe my grandmother. I’m not even sure where that little shred comes from, it might have been a Winterhawks game or something.
This is a tacky mirror, meant for a bar. The prominence of teal and former Blazer player Randy Generic signify that it is from the mid nineties. Randy is not remembered by most Blazer fans. He played for the team in his only NBA campaign during the 1994-1995 season. A 6-5 shooting guard from the University of Montana, Randy was born with a very plain face and unspecific features. He always wore white socks and sneakers. An early season clerical error assigned Randy a numberless jersey. He thought about trying to rectify the issue, but the problem would have necessitated renegotiating the CBA and anyway, he was very shy and didn’t want to make any waves. He rarely got on the court in games, but in practice scrimmages, no matter how hard he tried or how many shots he took, he would always score 10 points, get one assist, and net three rebounds. Once he tried not shooting at all, and he was simply fouled in the bonus five times. Eventually, this repetition started appearing in every aspect of his life: he would eat steamed broccoli and chicken breasts for dinner every night, he woke up at 6:08 and went to bed at 10:12, he stated going on the same date with the same woman with the same conversation every weekend. Then, one day, he was in the bathroom at the C entrance in the Memorial Coliseum, when, while he was washing his hands after his ritual 4:34 pregame poop, he looked in the mirror, had a complete break, screamed, and entered a catatonic state. Some say that he saw the depths of the absurdity of the universe down to the random movement of particles, others say that he became convinced that he was a program in a computer, and still others say his soul was taken and eaten by the Basketball devil, George Mikan.
Some say, that during sparsely attended Winterhawks games, you can see a slight scoreboard mouthfunction: HAWKS 10 GUEST 4. Randy’s ritual score and his rebounds added to his assists in every Blazer scrimmage he ever played in.
When I was writing this, I sent out this Tweet:
I did not get any responses and I have not myself read the media guide, so I cannot vouch for the guide as reading one way or another. If you are the media member who is selling this guide, please get in touch: we want to know why, and if you REALLY think it is worth ten dollars.
This light up display, featuring Rasheed Wallace and Scottie Pippen, was made for a convenience store display. But you should think about putting it the window of your used bookstore.
See? Sheed was born to inspire a lifelong love of reading