TRAIL BLAZERS 108 – TIMBERWOLVES 97: YOU CAN’T IMAGINE HOW MUCH FUN WE’RE HAVING

|

IF I WERE A TRAIL CAT WHICH I AM NOT AS FAR AS YOU KNOW BUT IF I WERE AND IT WAS MY BIRTHDAY AND I WAS TURNING 12 YEARS OLD WHICH COULD BE LIKE 7,134,593 IN TRAIL CAT YEARS SORRY I HAVE NO FRAME OF REFERENCE FOR TRAIL CATS AS I AM NOT A NATURALIST BUT ANYWAY IF I WERE BLAZE THE TRAIL CAT I WOULD HAVE HOPED THAT MY BIRTHDAY PARTY WOULD FIRST INCLUDE A NICE TRAIL TO RUN DOWN AND FROLIC AND DO TRAIL CAT STUFF WHATEVER THAT IS AND THEN ONCE SAID TRAIL HAS BEEN SUFFICIENTLY ENJOYED I WOULD THEN HOPE TO SEE THOMAS ROBINSON SIZE UP A FAST BREAK DUNK ATTEMPT FROM COREY BREWER AND THEN TREAT THAT DUNK ATTEMPT IN THE WAY THAT MOUNT SAINT HELENS TREATED GREATER WASHINGTON STATE BECAUSE I’M PRETTY SURE THAT YAKIMA IS CURRENTLY BURIED UNDER THE ASH OF COREY BREWER RIP COREY BREWER RIP YAKIMA AND THEN IMMEDIATELY OUT OF THAT ASH I WOULD HOPE TO WATCH THE BASKETBALL FIND A WILL BARTON EAGLE IN MIDFLIGHT FOR THAT WILL BARTON EAGLE TO STUFF SAID BASKETBALL THROUGH A RIM AND I DON’T REALLY KNOW WHAT HAPPENED NEXT BECAUSE I RAN HIGH STEPPING OUT OF THE ROOM YELLING WHOOOOOOOOOOOOO SO HAPPY BIRTHDAY BLAZE SORRY IT WAS A SURPRISE PARTY THAT DIDN’T START UNTIL KINDA LATE IN THE GAME I KNOW HOW SURPRISES CAN RATTLE YOU TRAIL CATS.

LET’S GIVE THAT SEQUENCE ANOTHER PARAGRAPH BECAUSE IT DESERVES THAT MUCH AND REALLY IT DESERVES A LOT MORE LIKE A SCROOGE MCDUCK VAULT OF GOLD COINS THAT ARE FILLED WITH CHOCOLATE BUT ALSO STILL VALID AS CURRENCY BECAUSE WHEN ELSE IN YOUR LIFETIME AS A TRAIL CAT OR OTHERWISE WILL YOU SEE COREY BREWER IN ALL OF HIS DRUNKEN MASTER GUY WHO TEACHES YOU KUNG FU MOVES IN THE PARK IN SHEN MUE SHOUTOUT TO THE SEGA DREAMCAST GLORY COME DOWN FOR A SEEMINGLY WIDE OPEN DUNK AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN SEE THOMAS ROBINSON IN ALL OF HIS I DON’T HAVE ANY NORMAL HUMAN ORGANS BECAUSE THE ONLY THING INSIDE ME IS FIRE LIKE THE OOGIE BOOGIE MAN FROM NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS ONLY INSTEAD OF BUGS IT’S FIRE GLORY POUND THAT DUNK ATTEMPT DOWN INTO THE NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL OH WATCH YOUR HEAD JUDAS ISCARIOT AND THEN LIKE THE ULTIMATE ECSTASY-LACED CHERRY ON TOP OF THIS I SCREAM SUNDAE WILL BARTON FINISHES AN ALLEY OOP SO QUICKLY AFTER THE BLOCK THAT THE HUMAN BRAIN HAS NOT FULLY RECOVERED FROM THE INITIAL EXCITEMENT AND THUS OUT OF SAFETY SHUTS DOWN ALL BRAIN OPERATIONS EXCEPT FOR THE ABILITY TO HIGH STEP DOWN A HALLWAY YELLING WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

THOMAS ROBINSON TONIGHT WAS SO AWESOME AND EXCITING IT WAS LIKE EATING SPICY CHEETOS WHILE LISTENING TO ALL OF THOSE EARLY MILLENIUM ROC-A-FELLA BANGERS WITH LOTS OF BEANIE SIGEL EVERYWHERE WHILE ALSO WATCHING FAST FORWARDED HIGHLIGHT TAPES OF MIKE TYSON TURNING HALF THE POPULATION OF THE 1980S INTO A GENERIC PASTE FOR ME TO EAT AND THEN USE TO CREATE A COLLAGE TO CELEBRATE THOMAS ROBINSON AND WILL BARTON MADE OUT OF STILLS FROM OLD GODZILLA MOVIES AND YEAH BARTON IS MOTHRA DUH AND VICTOR CLAVER CAN BE RODAN CUZ CLAVER HAS GOOD INSTINCTS AND CAN FLY BUT CAN BE KIND OF A LONER SO HE IS BASICALLY EXACTLY LIKE RODAN IS WHAT I AM TELLING YOU.

I WOULD SAY THAT TERRY STOTTS SHOULD LET BARTON COOK MORE BUT AS A CHEF BARTON IS LIKE THAT DUDE IN COPENHAGEN WHO FEEDS PEOPLE MOSS AND TWIGS AND OLD SOCKS AND STUFF THAT HAS BEEN ROTTING IN HIS GUTTERS FOR LIKE THREE MONTHS AND WHILE THAT GUY HAS WON THE HEARTS OF THE DANISH PEOPLE AND ACCUMULATED SOME MICHELIN STARS AND ALSO WHILE I KNOW PORTLAND PRIDES ITSELF ON ITS APPRECIATION OF THE CULINARY ARTS I WORRY THAT THE PEOPLE OF THIS FINE TOWN ARE NOT QUITE READY TO BE LED DOWN SUCH POSTMODERN CULINARY EXPERIMENTATION BY A VISIONARY TO THE EXTENT OF WILL BARTON BUT THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT SO LET THE MAN COOK AND I BET DIRTY OLD MOSS AND SOCKS SEARED QUICKLY IN THE INTERNAL OVEN OF THOMAS ROBINSON WILL BE EVERYTHING THE MICHELIN MAN EVER WANTED TO STUFF HIS ROLLS WITH.

Comments are closed.