TRAIL BLAZERS 106 – PACERS 102: WHERE TO SEND FEELING OF INVINCIBILITY

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I DONT EVEN KNOW WHERE TO START WITH THIS GAME SO I WILL START INSTEAD BY SAYING THAT WHEN ADAM SILVER PRESENTS AN IMPECCABLY VELVET CLAD PAUL ALLEN WITH THE LARRY OBRIEN TROPHY NEXT JUNE THAT SAID LARRY OBRIEN TROPHY MIGHT NOT EVEN BE STRONG ENOUGH RECOGNITION FOR THE NEXT LEVEL BASKETBALL GLORY THAT HATH BEEN WROUGHT BY THIS SEASON OF THE TRAIL BLAZERS AND THAT MAYBE ADAM SILVER SHOULD SPEND THE REST OF THE SEASON FORGING A GIANT TROPHY IN THE FIRES OF MOUNT DOOM AND IT SHOULD BE SHAPED LIKE A GIANT ICE CREAM CONE FOR MEYERS LEONARD BECAUSE THE KID LIKES ICE CREAM CONES WHAT MORE CAN I SAY.

SOME OF YOU DOUBTING THOMAS MOTHERFUCKERS PROBABLY SPENT THE FIRST THREE QUARTERS WATCHING THE PACERS STEADY GRIND THE BLAZERS NORMALLY KALEIDOSCOPIC OFFENSE INTO A HOMOGENOUS GRAY PASTE OF ISOLATIONS AND EMPTY DRIVES TO NOWHERE FOR ROY HIBBERT TO MIX INTO THE DOUGH THAT HE USES TO BAKE FAIRY TALE PROTAGONISTS INTO PIES CUZ ROY HIBBERT IS A GIANT LIKE THAT BUT ANYWAY SOME OF YOU MIGHT HAVE SEEN THAT AND ASSUMED THAT EVENTUALLY THE INDIANA PACERS WHO WERE ONLY THE BEST TEAM IN THE NBA BY ANY OBJECTIVE MEASURE WOULD FINALLY SMITE THE SPUNKY UPSTART BLAZERS BECAUSE ALL CUTE STUFF CAN ONLY LAST FOR A WHILE UNTIL THE UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF MOTHER NATURE FINALLY TURNS EVERYTHING INTO A ROTTING CORPSE AND THEN INTO LUIS SCOLA.

IF TERRY STOTTS HAD AN INSTAGRAM ACCOUNT HE OBV WOULD HAVE POSTED A SELFY AROUND THE END OF THE THIRD QUARTER WITH OBNOXIOUS MADE UP HASHTAGS IN THE CAPTION LIKE TOYSFORSTOTTS AND WEFINNAGETALLUPINDIANA AND IN THE IMAGE WOULD HAVE BEEN A SHOT OF HIS IMMACULATE PURPLE POCKET SQUARE AND IT WOULD NOT HAVE MADE SENSE TO YOU IN THIS HYPOTHETICAL BUT IT WOULD HAVE MADE SENSE TO TERRY BECAUSE STOTTS IS AN EVER CONFIDENT VISIONARY WHO KNEW THAT THE BLAZERS WERE ONLY MOMENTS AWAY FROM UNLEASHING THEIR GREATEST QUARTER OF BASKETBALL SO FAR THIS SEASON AND REACHING A HEIGHT THAT I CANT REMEMBER THE BLAZERS REACHING IN THE ENTIRE TIME THAT I HAVE BEEN A BLAZER FAN AND OMG SOMEONE HOLD ME.

IF WE LEARNED ANYTHING IN THE FOURTH QUARTER AND WE LEARNED EVERYTHING IN THE FOURTH QUARTER BUT IN ADDITION TO THE TERRIFYING POWER OF PAUL GEORGE WHO PLAYED WELL ENOUGH TO WIN BECAUSE HIS PLAY SURPASSES PERFECTION BUT IN ADDITION TO THAT WE LEARNED THAT THE SHOULDERS OF LAMARCUS ALDRIDGE ARE FORTRESSES THAT CANNOT BE BREACHED EVEN BY DAVID WEST AND THAT THOSE SHOULDERS CAN HOLD MULTITUDES YOU GUYS AND THAT THOSE MULTITUDES INCLUDE BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO EFFORTLESS TURNAROUND JUMPERS THAT DAMAGE THE LIFE EXPECTANCIES OF WELL MEANING ASTRONAUTS LIKE SANDRA BULLOCK AND GEORGE CLOONEY AND SPOILER ALERT THAT INDIAN OR PAKISTANI DUDE THAT DIED IN LIKE A SECOND AND MORE SPOILER ALERT THE GHOST OF GEORGE CLOONEY AND ALSO THOSE MULTITUDES INCLUDE THE REST OF THE BLAZERS EVEN VICTOR CLAVER WHO GETS A LITTLE PERCH NEAR THE SCAPULA CUZ HE NEEDS THAT FEELING OF BELONGING AND THEY INCLUDE THE MIKES OBV AND THEY INCLUDE EVERYONE IN THE MODA CENTER AND YOU AND DAMIAN LILLARD EVEN THOUGH HE CAN RIDE SOLO AS HE SHOWED WITH THE SINGLE BIGGEST SHOT OF HIS SHORT CAREER AND I MEAN THAT BECAUSE MOST OF YOU PROBABLY DIDNT EVEN WATCH LAST SEASON BUT WITH A FEW MINUTES LEFT IN THIS GAME LILLARD STUCK A THREE TO ANSWER AN ENORMOUS PAUL GEORGE THREE WHICH IS TO CLIMB UP A SUPER MARIO BEANSTALK TO HEAVEN AND TELL WHOEVER IS UP THERE THAT YOU DONT REALLY CARE ABOUT WHAT THEY HAVE TO SAY AND THAT PUTTING IN THE WORK TO CLIMB ALL THE WAY UP THERE JUST TO SAY YOU DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEIR EXISTENCE WAS STILL WORTH IT WHICH IS PRETTY DISRESPECTFUL BUT ALSO IMPRESSIVE WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT SO YEAH DAMIAN DOESNT NEED TO RIDE ON THE SHOULDERS OF LAMARCUS AND IF IM BEING HONEST NOR DOES WES MATTHEWS BUT A RESERVED PARKING SPOT IS A NICE LUXURY TO FALL BACK ON.

LASTLY IF NEIL OLSHEY WAS IN THIS ROOM RIGHT NOW I WOULD GIVE HIM SUCH A LONG AND HEARTFELT RESTRAINING ORDER HUG THAT WOULD BE CALLED THAT BECAUSE IT WOULD BIND LIKE A RESTRAINING ORDER AND HE WOULD TAKE OUT A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST ME AFTER THE HUG FINISHED UNTIL RESCINDING THE RESTRAINING ORDER A FEW WEEKS LATER AFTER REALIZING WHAT A PROFOUND IMPACT THE HUG WOULD HAVE ON HIS WORLDVIEW BECAUSE ALL OF HIS OFFSEASON MOVES PAID OFF LIKE POWERBALL CHILDREN AND NOWHERE DID IT SEEM MORE CLEAR THAN THIS GAME WHERE WE SAW EARL WATSON BLOWING THE DUST OFF HIS GREAT TOME OF POINT GUARD PLAY TO SHARE ENLIGHTENING PASSAGES WITH MO WILLIAMS AND LILLARD BEFORE THE FOURTH QUARTER AND THAT SAME MO WILLIAMS WAS LIKE APPLE CINNAMON INSTANT SCORING OFF THE BENCH IN THE SECOND AND FOURTH QUARTERS WITH HIS CREPUSCULAR AFFINITY FOR THE TRANSITION GAME AND HIS AUTOMATIC MIDRANGE PULL-UPS AND ALSO THE YOUNG THOMAS ROBINSON WAS OUT HERE BATTLING FOR REBOUNDS AND ATTACKING THE RIM AND REFUSING TO LET SCOLA DISPLAY ANY SORT OF MACHO TO IMPRESS THE HONEYS BACK IN ARGENTINA SO LO SIENTO LADIES GUESS YOULL HAVE TO TALK YOURSELVES INTO CARLOS TEVEZ AND OH YEAH JOEL FREELAND ISNT AN ACQUISITION BUT HE DESERVES RECOGNITION HERE BECAUSE HE SHOULD GET HIS FACE ON SOME BRITISH MONEY OR SOMETHING.

I DONT CARE THAT WE ARE NOT EVEN A QUARTER OF THE WAY INTO THE SEASON BECAUSE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I CAN SAY THAT THE BLAZERS ARE UNDOUBTEDLY THE BEST TEAM IN THE NBA RIGHT NOW AND I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS BUT I NEVER WANT IT TO END AND I AM NOT SURE THAT IT EVER WILL.

  • jnewhouse

    This was amazing.

    • Joe Swide

      thanks!

  • nerfthunder

    You had me at “ALL CUTE STUFF CAN ONLY LAST FOR A WHILE UNTIL THE UNSTOPPABLE FORCE OF MOTHER NATURE FINALLY TURNS EVERYTHING INTO A ROTTING CORPSE AND THEN INTO LUIS SCOLA.” If Neil Olshey doesn’t, I will hug you Joe Swide. I will hug anyone in a pre-Scola stage of transformation right now.

    • Joe Swide

      thank you sir. let us all stay in pre-Scola pupa state for as long as the power of LaMarcus Aldridge can allow.

      • Mark Bunster

        I laughed as hard as I have in a long time when I got to Scola. He’s far and away the guy I hate most to watch in the NBA, particularly now that Garnett is a tired lump of wrinkly 7 foot bald man flesh. His imitation of a freshly unpacked sardine motivated me to yell the fairly pedestrian but deeply satisfying “Scola WASH YOUR HAIR” last night. So thanks very much. This is the best hometown piece on the Blazers I’ve read certainly this season and probably all of last season too. (Before that I wrote my own pieces, so, y’know). Great job…and me too.

  • Gary Eastman-Brown

    Ha! Ben Golliver added your post-game write up as a link at BlazersEdge. Nice.

    • Joe Swide

      Ben is a saint walking among us.

  • Chris Clark

    Beautiful!

    • Joe Swide

      thanks!

  • JamesB

    Thanks for articulating the magical feelings I have inside me

    • Joe Swide

      you’re welcome but you should also be concerned that I have such easy access to the magical feelings inside you.

  • JamesB

    Can you add this photo to the top of the page? It deserves to live there.

    • ChrisM

      Is that Joel Freeland’s dad?

      • Joe Swide

        umm…not to be rude but..that IS Joel Freeland….might be time for you to get on some less pixelated streams.

        • ChrisM

          Stupid iPhone…

  • chiliconkyle

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SUCH AN AUTHENTIC DISPLAY OF UNFILTERED EMOTION I WILL COME BACK HERE IN THE FUTURE TO SAY HI BECAUSE WE ARE FRIENDS AND I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE BLAZERS BASKETBALL ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS SO TEAMWORK ORIENTED.

    • Joe Swide

      no, thank you, and come back soon. I’ll make cookies.

  • dennyhil

    Excellent and original commentary…. Still laughing about Scola. I’ll be back.

    • Joe Swide

      thanks. I appreciate it.

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  • Matthew Hoffman

    This might be to long to put on a t-shirt but if someone did I’d wear for at least a year.