Dear Jack Nicholson,
Here is what you missed:
Did you know Steve Nash is still alive? Well he is! I know; I saw that video on Grantland in which they (by “they” I mean doctors or doctor-like folk, not Bill Simmons et al.) were injecting Nash’s back with needles – really big needles, like the kind of thing that people use to inseminate horses. I’ve seen that before too; the Internet is wild! You should check it out! I mean you should check out the Internet, not horse insemination. Horse insemination is pretty much what you would expect.
Anyway, Steve Nash! He was out there creating like his team was made out of Play-Doh and they pretty much are! Plus, he even made some shots! His spine didn’t fall out or anything! Can you believe it? I think he organized an expedition to find the Holy Grail and he remembered that the penitent man shall pass and that in the Latin alphabet, “Jehovah” starts with an “I,” and he took the leap of faith and then he chose wisely and he hasn’t taken the Grail across the seal. Remember that Indiana Jones movie? Don’t tell Kobe though. He’ll fly his helicopter there and take the grail across the seal because he thinks the Kobe System is more powerful than magical Grail rules. SMH he’s just like that Nazi lady, I know!
Hey you know who is not a Nazi (other than most people on Earth), Nick Young! He’s like the opposite of Nazis! They would hate him! Nazis were not very fun and Nick Young is all about fun! He’s not really fun for me, of course, because I like the Blazers and even I’m not that much of a self-hating fan. But for any other non-Puritans, Nick Young would be pretty fun. He was wearing some 10-year-old LeBron shoes that were colored like Timberland boots – “wheat” is the technical term. Nick Young likes his shoes like he likes his toast. That wasn’t a good joke. I’m sorry. I bet Lou Adler tells the best jokes. I bet his jokes are all simple and timeless, like something Jack Handey would say. I don’t have that kind of talent. I would just say something dumb like how Nick Young and wheat are similar because some “intelligent” people say they’re allergic to Nick Young and wheat but really those people are just making up some fake allergy to defend how picky they are, and also Nick Young and wheat are the same because wheat is a staple food and Nick Young plays in the Staples Center. Whoa. I hope you didn’t get high before you read that last part. You seem like you might be high a lot.
Ok Jack, I’m going to have to talk about some people on the Blazers now. You, as a lover of basketball, should embrace the opportunity to discuss a team that does not give heavy minutes to Robert Sacre or start Kent Bazemore (no disrespect #justfacts). Damian Lillard of Oakland, California, scored 34 points. He was the best player on the court, and that includes your beloved Pau Gasol. Lillard hit 5 of 10 three-pointers and he threw down a pretty nice dunk too, after which he glared back at the Lakers like he was Cyclops shooting invisible laserbeams out of his eyes that would cook the Lakers and cause their lake to evaporate, leaving just a hole filled with tree stumps.
Elsewhere in the realm of achievement, LaMarcus Aldridge scored 31 points and pulled down 15 rebounds. Sometimes he can look like an empty vessel and as we suck the straw (NO JOKES) beckoning for more all we get is the remnants of liquid careening off ice cubes, but tonight, he was filled to the brim with purpose. Either that or he was playing against Robert Sacre and apathetic post-vertigo Pau Gasol and Ryan Kelly and Chris Kaman. BTW is Chris Kaman OK? The beard, the lying down, the lack of even fake effort on defense, it sure seems like a cry for help. I’M HERE FOR YOU CHRIS! WELL NOT ME, PERSONALLY, BUT SOMEONE LIKE ME! SOMEBODY WITHIN THE HUMAN RACE IS HERE FOR YOU! TAKE A SHOWER! A LIFE SHOWER! BUT FIRST A REAL SHOWER! YOU LOOK SOILED! YOUR SOUL IS SOILED AND YOUR BODY IS SOILED!
Ok, let’s end this on a positive note. Kendall Marshall nearly died! At the hands of Meyers Leonard, no less! That is not an April Fool’s joke! Marshall was coming down the court on a fast break, eyeing the rim like a man hungry to turn a 6-point night into an 8-point night and cut 16-point deficit to a 14-point deficit. Oh yeah, there was like 36 seconds left when this was happening. The game had long been decided. Meyers Leonard, who had been on the court for about 90 seconds, decided that this would be the moment when he would make his stand of defiance against all those who call him too weak-hearted and too passive to become a dominant center in this league. NO LAYUPS. So as Marshall gathered to take it to the rim, Meyers grabbed yung K-Butta by the back of the neck-butta, and “threw” him to the ground. I put “threw” in quotations because the malice was suspect. The move itself looked like a combination of Meyers wanting to chokeslam Marshall and also wanting to bring him in close for a warm hug. In the replay, the look on Leonard’s face held terror and violence until it didn’t, like he was saying in his internal Meyerslogue: “GRRRRRRRGGGGHHHHROOOARRRRRRRRR DEATH TO ALL WHO CHALLENG—oh no! Kendall! The wood is hard! Are you OK? Here, wait there! I’ll go get you some Jolly Ranchers! What flavor is your favorite?” Meyers was given a flagrant 2 and ejected from the game.
After the game, Meyers Leonard had this to say to the gathered scribes into their gathered tape recorders:
“YEAH, MEYERS LEONARD, MOTHERFUCKERS. ASK ABOUT ME. THAT SOFTBATCH PUNK WHATEVER HIS NAME IS—KENDALL? IS THAT A GIRL’S NAME? [CACKLING] THIS AIN’T THE KARDASHIANS AND I AIN’T BRUCE JENNER THOUGH I JUST MIGHT TOSS A JAVELIN THROUGH HIS BITCH HEART IF HE TRIES TO APPROACH THE RIM AGAIN ON MEYERS. NO LAYUPS. HE’LL BE THE TAR ON MY HEEL, YA FEEL ME? Wait—are the Tar Heels the ones who wear baby blue? OMG you guys, a couple months ago, I dyed my dog baby blue and it was just the most adorable thing. God bless Pinterest [giggling].”
So yeah, that’s how it went down Jack.