WHY ARE THE BLAZERS TERRIBLE NOW: A BRIEF INQUIRY INTO THE NATURE OF RECENT GAMES?
Did the Blazers win tonight? Can you look at yourself in the mirror, with only yourself to look at, and say, “The Blazer won tonight, they won the basketball game. I regard that as a win, what I watched was the act of winning, of success, not the Blazers getting the game controlled around them falling into HEINOUS isolation basketball, which they stink at, and eventually winning be default because Trey Burke farted out like ten possessions in a row and the Blazers managed to attack the basket and succeed against Rudy ‘THE FIELD WITCH’ Gobert.” Run on sentences!
What are the reasons for this recent strip of uninspired play? What has sunk the Blazers into an emotional bog, the sort that would qualify that horrible game as a win to pump your fist about? I will investigate:
ONE: AFFLALO IS WORSE THAN WES. Aaron Afflalo is a DOWNGRADE on Wes Matthews and it’s SINKING EVERYTHING!
TWO: ACTUALLY ARRON ISN’T WORSE THAN WES, PER SE, WELL, HE IS A LITTLE, BUT HE DOESN’T FIT NEARLY AS WELL. Wing post ups and isolations, these were not the currency of the Blazers until recently, when they lost Wes.
THREE: ACTUALLY, THE GODS CURSED THE TEAM BECAUSE AFFLALO WROTE THAT THING FOR THE PLAYER’S TRIBUNE WHERE HE SAID THE BLAZERS WERE GOING TO COMPETE FOR A TITLE. Jeter is the devil and courting his favor has consequences.
FOUR: WILL BARTON! You don’t just trade a dude with that spiritual energy and expect to get by. It says so, in the Bible, which is My Antonia By Willa Cather.
FIVE: JOHN KITZHABER. Look, guys. John was a man in love, and you spit in his face. I didn’t, I am a lifelong Washington resident, but you did. You should have accepted his light corruption, because he did it in the name of love. But now, Cupid herself* has looked upon this action and decided you basketball team must suffer for your crimes against love. Congratulations, you impertinent Oregonians. We never would have done this where I’M from!
SIX: EVERYONE IS EITHER INJURED OR THEY’VE PLAYED LIKE A BILLION MINUTES AND THEIR BODIES ARE NOW OPENLY REJECTING BASKETBALL. THis seems more likely than anything. Lillard was good tonight, but other nights, oy vey, he is looking like he could use a blow. Someday, every team will do this, like the Spurs do, and you’ll think about these games like fun off-games, where funny players do weird stuff against each other. Hopefully, teams institute good natured rotations with rest, so they have sort of similarly disabled lineups. It would be really fun!
SEVEN: LUCK. Why not. Fate is out there, pulling levers we cannot see. We should accept these movements with open hearts.
EIGHT: ORDER. The NBA is fundamentally of nature, and nature is fundamentally of order. Or perhaps order is of nature, or our perception of order is of nature. I am not a philosopher, it’s just killing the Blazers right now.
*all gods are women at this website