TSA Asks Gerald Wallace to Change Controversial ‘Crash’ Nickname
Andy Carmichael | Tuesday, March 8, 2011 at 3:28PM 
Washington, D.C. - The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has issued a request to the Trailblazers, particularly Gerald Wallace, that he change his nickname from ‘Crash’ to something more innocuous such as ‘Touchdown’ or ‘Safely Landed’. The government agency, responsible for the security of all U.S. transportation, is afraid Wallace’s current moniker will cause panic among some Portland travelers.
“We live in a frightening time for women and children,” said Martin Dixon, a spokesman for the TSA Division of Safety at all Costs. “We have to be sensitive to aerophobics, agoraphobics, necrophobics and remove anything that will cause anxiety, no matter how absurd it seems.”
Dixon added that officials at TSA are willing to negotiate with Wallace and meet him in the middle towards a new nickname. He says he understands that it must portray the way he plays somewhat accurately.
“If Mr. Wallace would like to change his nickname to something like ‘Turbulence’ or maybe ‘Little Bumpy’, we could accept that,” he said. “But right now, ‘Crash’ is just too abrasive.”
Frank Burgess, the director of safety at the Portland International Airport, held an emergency staff meeting once Gerald Wallace was traded to the Blazers.
“When I first heard that his nickname was ‘Crash’, I had no choice but to change the PDX airport to threat level orange,” stated Burgess while patting down an old woman for makeshift knives. “We were at yellow so you can see the seriousness of the situation.”
When reached for comment, Gerald Wallace says he has no intention of changing his nickname, although he sort of likes ‘Little Bumpy’.
Reader Comments (26)
thats so ridiculous! how can a basketball players nickname (which really has nothing to do specifically with flying) cause panic at PDX? I could sorta (stress sorta) understand if it was like "plane crash into the rose garden" but just crash? c'mon people, theres tons of uses for the word crash out there that has nothing to do with flying or even violence in general.
If TSA is trying to censor that then im really scared what them, and other government agencies are going to be censoring as well.
seriously dude? you thought that was a real article?
Man are you just stupid or are you joking around? This is meant to be funny not real you retard.
The sad thing is that this is not that far fetched...
really? this isn't far fetched? the government controlling nba nicknames? let me read your manifesto the next time i visit your cabin.
This comedy is analogous to advancing to the final four of the NIT.
It was a very Onion-esque article. Course several years ago after the anthrax scares, people were calling upon Anthrax to change their name.
who do I contact to curse them out about this? And what the hell is wrong with these people
LOL
This is the dumbest thing i've heard all day.
Andy I enjoy the satire, but it looks like you may need to put a disclaimer in big bold letters before each article.
InB4 Fox distributes this as real news.
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