Washington, D.C. - The Transportation Security Administration (TSA) has issued a request to the Trailblazers, particularly Gerald Wallace, that he change his nickname from ‘Crash’ to something more innocuous such as ‘Touchdown’ or ‘Safely Landed’. The government agency, responsible for the security of all U.S. transportation, is afraid Wallace’s current moniker will cause panic among some Portland travelers.
“We live in a frightening time for women and children,” said Martin Dixon, a spokesman for the TSA Division of Safety at all Costs. “We have to be sensitive to aerophobics, agoraphobics, necrophobics and remove anything that will cause anxiety, no matter how absurd it seems.”
Dixon added that officials at TSA are willing to negotiate with Wallace and meet him in the middle towards a new nickname. He says he understands that it must portray the way he plays somewhat accurately.
“If Mr. Wallace would like to change his nickname to something like ‘Turbulence’ or maybe ‘Little Bumpy’, we could accept that,” he said. “But right now, ‘Crash’ is just too abrasive.”
Frank Burgess, the director of safety at the Portland International Airport, held an emergency staff meeting once Gerald Wallace was traded to the Blazers.
“When I first heard that his nickname was ‘Crash’, I had no choice but to change the PDX airport to threat level orange,” stated Burgess while patting down an old woman for makeshift knives. “We were at yellow so you can see the seriousness of the situation.”
When reached for comment, Gerald Wallace says he has no intention of changing his nickname, although he sort of likes ‘Little Bumpy’.