Since the late 90s, Portland has infamously received some unflattering, yet accurate nicknames. During the Bob Whitsitt era, we had the Jail Blazers, the Trail Gangsters and my personal favorite, the Inhale Blazers. Through the years, I’ve also heard the team be referred to as the Fail Blazers, mostly from a frustrated fan after a loss.
This Portland squad has aptly been given the moniker of the Frail Blazers. I’m not sure who started it (probably the same person who gave Dwight Jaynes the odd nickname The Godfather) but I doubt the Blazer puns will ever end. So I decided to be proactive and give the nicknames to future Blazers teams. You heard it here first.
2012 – 2013 – The Whale Blazers: All the injuries to the Blazers caused some serious weight gain. Thankfully, the Whale Blazer era lasts only a season or two as Cho unloads the blubber and the rebuilding begins.
2014 - 2017 – The Pale Blazers: Portland signs a couple of Eastern Europeans with names you can’t pronounce from countries you’ve never heard of. They also draft a point guard from Indiana and a post from Montana State. The Pale Blazers are noticeably white.
2018 – 2020 – The Trail Beggars: The lockout finally happens. When play resumes, players salaries are cut in half or more. Top athletes are asked to survive on just 3 or 4 million dollars a year. Shooting guard Sam Lipkin tells The Portlander (online publication that replaces The Oregonian) “I have a 6 car garage yet can only afford 3 cars to put in there. My wife cries herself to sleep at night.” Other Blazers are seen holding cardboard signs outside of the Rose Palace (the new arena) that read ‘Will dunk for food’.
2021 – 2023 – The NBA is suspended (World War III).
2024 – 2028 – Atreyu Blazers: The Blazers win two Western Conference championships behind small forward Danny Winsor, who looks just like ‘Atreyu’ from The Never Ending Story.
2029 – 2031 – Trail Naysayers: Despite having all the talent in the world, the coach and players say “we just aren’t very good.” The effort matches the attitude as the team flounders, only to rank above the lowly Seattle Hornets. The franchise reaches a new low when fans boycott Blazer’s final home games in favor of the Portland Timbers, who have not scored a goal since July of 2022.
2031 – 2040 – Travail Blazers: Portland turns things around by hiring the legendary coach Erik Spoelstra and drafting most of its players from the Pac 16. The Blazers win 6 NBA championships in 9 years. The economy spikes, unemployment drops and crime hits record lows. Also, the city of Portland sees an influx of beautiful women move here.
Happy Holidays Blazer fans.