Blazers vs. Magic - Preview
Ezra Ace Caraeff | Thursday, January 14, 2010 at 9:22PM 
Spare a center, good sir? Listen Orlando, you have the greatest center on earth in Dwight Howard. Superman leads the NBA in blocks, boards, and freakishly large shoulder muscles. Plus, true to his nickname, Howard keeps a day job as a mild mannered reporter at the Orlando Sentinel (The Daily Planet was bought by Rupert Murdoch, who replaced Lois Lane with Glenn Beck. Real shame.) and the man can change his clothes in a phone booth. Where can you even find a phone booth these days? Dude is amazing.
Point being, while Howard dominates the NBA, the Polish Hammer is getting rusty. Marcin Gortat is the league's best backup center, but can never escape the shadow of Howard. Why don't you just send the man to Portland? As someone who has unhinged his jaw to eat an unhealthy amount of perogies at the annual Portland Polish Festival, I can attest that this town would be a perfect home for Gortat. You won't even miss his paltry 3.3 PPG and 3.8 rebound numbers. (If that doesn't work, what if there is wacky uniform mixup and Juwan Howard ends up wearing a Magic jersey while the Blazers get the other Howard? No? I swear I saw that on an episode of Blossom.)
For Portland to topple the best team in the Southeast Division, the Blazers can not afford to be a pushovers. Orlando dominates teams that linger under .500 (18-5), while they are merely 8-8 against lineups with winning records. They also live and die on shots from behind the arch, leading the NBA with an average of 28+ three-point attempts per game. Although Brandon Roy's hamstring is currently being held together solely by the power of prayer, the Blazers needs to assert their homecourt advantage, limit Howard's boards/dunks, and keep the Magic's three-point percentage low. Basically, they need to play like the winning team they are.
Portland will also need a gigantic rookie—preferably a little crazy in the head—that can stare down Howard. Oh, hello Jeff Pendergraph. Here is video of Pendergraph talking about his energy level and playing the role of Mr. Mxyzptlk to Howard's Superman. Yes, I just made a Mr. Mxyzptlk reference. (I'll be at the comic book shop if you want to beat me up.)
It won't be easy to stop the Magic from sweeping the season series with the Blazers for the third time in four seasons, especially if Roy is unable to play. Keep your fingers crossed. Stranger things definitely have happened in the Rose Garden.
Reader Comments (2)
Time for the Blazers to round our group of unlikely heroes and shock another team.La Chispa is back and will hopefully get more minutes without the black hole that is JBay,so he can get the rock a bit more.and drain the trey.
LA CHISPA!