Hey, it wasn’t all bad! The Blazers still only have 13 losses! They’re still in third place in the Western Conference! What a journey this is!
LaMarcus Aldridge had 27 points and 16 rebounds! That’s a lot! And he passed Cliff Robinson for third all-time on the Blazers scoring list! Wow! Way to go, LaMarcus! If they had book fairs for people my age I would buy your poster! Why did posters sell so much better than books at book fairs? That doesn’t make any sense! Your post game looks great though! Yippee!
Damian Lillard hit two three-pointers! Hey! Those are pretty far shots! You must be strong, Damian! Wow! Wes Matthews, you had two three-pointers too! You guys rock! High fives! So did anyone else hit one? What’s that? No? Oh—well, uhh—hey! They must be really rare then! Like buried treasure! I once buried a dead hamster! I put it in a shoebox! It’s probably still there! I don’t know!
Nicolas Batum! You had that cool runout dunk! That was fun! You jumped really high! The Eiffel Tower is really high too! It’s French like you too! Magnifique! Other than that I didn’t really notice you, but maybe that was good! You’re invisible! Like Kevin Bacon in Hollow Man! Except he went crazy and killed some people! Bad example! Let’s move on!
Robin Lopez’s hair makes me smile! Hooray!
C. J. McCollum is still young! He was born in 1991! I bet he doesn’t even remember watching the animated Ninja Turtles TV show! Wow! I am older than C. J. and much less accomplished!
Mo Williams—umm—well, I think you—wait—uhh—hey, the world continues to spin! The sun has not yet burned out and left us floating alone in the dark, lifeless vacuum of space! Good stuff, my man! Keep it up!
Thomas Robinson had 3 rebounds! Everything else on his box score line was zeros but rebounding is what he does! He’s a specialist! Way to know your role, Thomas! Your muscles look big too! I like your tattoos! I’m afraid of needles!
Meyers Leonard was the only person on the team with a positive plus/minus rating! What an amazing feat! They don’t give out Nobel Prizes yet for that, but here’s an ice cream cone! It’s strawberry! Enjoy! You rock, Meyers!
Dorrell Wright and Will Barton got in the game for a couple minutes! What fun!
Joel Freeland led the team in field goal percentage! He made one shot and missed one shot! That’s 50% you guys! Wow! Tell us what the view looks like from that mountaintop of human achievement! Maybe you should have played more than 6 minutes! Whatever! Keep shooting, Joel! Your shot chart is half full!