GAME 5, ROCKETS 108 – TRAIL BLAZERS 98: THANGS DONE CHANGED

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Am I scared? Yeah, I’m pretty scared—very scared. The Blazers allowed a team with two of the league’s top players to taste the sweet refreshment of life and now if the Blazers lose game 6 at home on Friday then it goes back to Houston on Sunday and OMG—wait, that was your question, right?

Jeremy Lin had 21 points and LaMarcus Aldridge had 8 points and you know what that’s pretty much a recap right there let’s give that its own paragraph and move on.

Well now that you know everything important that happened in the game, let’s talk about some other less important things that happened.

Dorell Wright had 1 point, 0 rebounds, and 0 assists. None were particularly memorable. He did manage a -19 rating in 11 minutes, somehow. Overall, Wright has been a bright spot of the series for Portland, but the early second quarter was not kind to anyone.

Wes Matthews played very, very, very well. Very well. 27 points, 5-9 from 3-point range, 3 blocks! He very nearly dragged the Blazers to a win that they most certainly did not deserve. Send him your praise and your gift cards to stores that have good deals on peanut butter, as well as good selection. Chunky, creamy, the weird natural stuff that separates so you gotta stir it, all that. Wes seems like a man who likes peanut butter and he deserves a lot of peanut butter.

Damian Lillard also played well – 26 points – but he doesn’t seem as deep into the peanut butter scene as Wes. Give him something else, instead. Egg rolls, perhaps. Everyone likes egg rolls. Egg rolls are fucking delicious.

Everyone in Houston wore shirts that said, “Clutch City,” as part of some kind of handbag-related promotion. You know, ladies like to bring smaller handbags to the club. Anyway, speaking of handbags, Mo Williams was terrible! Like really, really bad! 4 points in 20 minutes, 2-7 shooting, 3 turnovers, 1 assist, a -17 rating! After spending the lead-up telling every media person (well…not EVERY media person L) about how he was setting up a vacation home in Troy Daniels’ head, and generally presenting himself as an expert manipulator of the media a la Kris Kardashian or Franklin Delano Roosevelt. But rather than parlay some fireside chats into three terms as president of the United States, Mo just talked a lot of shit about some dude that was playing in the Rio Grande Valley last week and then got outplayed by that dude and, well, I think the official term is “he played himself.”

For the supposed veteran who would provide a steadying presence on and off the court, Mo’s maddeningly inconsistent play and now wild shit talking is starting to make Will Barton look like late-career Jason Kidd.

Speaking of The People’s Champ, he played the final two minutes of the game, unfortunately dropping his once undefeated postseason record to a sad 1-1.

As for the Rockets, Dwight Howard was good. Chandler Parsons was good. James Harden was quiet but decent enough. Omer Asik was around, and Jeremy Lin was surprisingly effective after spending the first four games of the series playing like he was wondering if maybe he should put his Harvard degree to use instead of waste his time with this “basketball” nonsense.

So what are the odds of LaMarcus disappearing, Lin exploding, the Portland bench scoring 5 total points, no one on the Blazers totaling more than 10 rebounds, only totaling 14 assists as a team, and all of these other things happen again? I don’t know. I’m not that good at math anymore. I’m just scared.

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