Oh thank God for the San Antonio Spurs! Playoff basketball is normally such a brutal, miserable emotional experience filled with so much tension. I’m not really like a doctor or anything but I can’t imagine watching most playoff games with an emotional investment can be a healthy thing for the human body. I had a stomachache last week and I went on WebMD and at first it told me I had a brain tumor and I was like, “Word? Are you sure?” Then it said, “Wait, nah—just a classic case of Mo Williams. You have 6 months to live.” :(

Even the wins wreak havoc on the body. Damian Lillard series-winning, buzzer-beating, three-pointers are spectacular moments of elation. So many chemicals of excitement pulsing through the veins. So much work for the liver or pancreas or whatever organ makes the excitement chemicals to do. It’s like a sweatshop in there. Working conditions are poor. Attempts at unionization are quickly struck down.

But then, behold, a hero of the workers! A liberator of your liver or pancreas or whatever! The San Antonio Spurs, the planet’s most noble attempt at a perfect basketball team, remove all tension and emotions from basketball by turning winning into inevitability. To doubt that they will beat your team is simply foolish. The resulting disappointment and negative health affects from fostering such misguided hope are not covered under any insurance plan. I guess you could do some kind of John Q situation, but that’s beside the point! Accept their liberation! Be free!

The Spurs beat the Trail Blazers by quite a few points on Tuesday night and the score wasn’t even that close. Everyone on the Spurs played ridiculously well and everyone on the Blazers EXCEPT WILL BARTON WHO SCORED 9 POINTS ON 3/3 SHOOTING FROM 3-POINT RANGE I SEE YOU WILL played pretty badly. Even mighty LaMarcus Aldridge, who tallied 32 points on 25 shots, still managed a team-worst -23 rating. Though his rating might have been more of an indication of playing heavy minutes against the Spurs starting lineup who were pretty much invincible. Though even their backups were invincible. Marco Belinelli was terrific, as was Aron Baynes. Said Tim Duncan after the game on the former Washington State Cougar, “Aron was awesome. He came in there with his big body…” I just wanted to cut that quote right there but Duncan went on to elaborate what Aron did with his big body – mainly scoring points, rebounding, playing defense, and assorted other basketball tasks. It was a bad night for the Blazers in every way.

Once again though, don’t let that get you down! Be happy that you weren’t teased along with false hope and building tensions before a suddenly crushing defeat sent you on a spiral of despair into the deepest cuts of the great Natalie Imbruglia songbook! The Spurs care about you! They crush your optimism as quickly as possible so you can appreciate their mastery without the weight of uncertainty! The sun is going to set each night so you might as well enjoy the colors and the cool perfection of Tony Parker’s decision-making!

Game 2 is on Thursday.

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