CLIPPERS 122 – TRAIL BLAZERS 117: ANALYZE THIS

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Great movie, the ending sucked. So will read the tombstone of this game. For 45 minutes, the two styles contrasted and complimented and destroyed and created, all in the name of your viewing pleasure. It was like watching Predator 2 on mute while listening to the soundtrack from The Nightmare Before Christmas. It was too perfect that it was almost surprising with its perfection. This game set the record for most lead-changes! Such exciting offense on display! Danny Glover fighting trophy-hunter aliens in a refrigerated building and ultimately winning their respect and admiration set to the Cab Calloway-esque musical stylings of the Oogie Boogie Man!

LaMarcus Aldridge’s groin looked to be in great spirits. Damian Lillard looked like one of those hardened guys on Deadliest Catch (is that show still on the television?) that smoke like 8 million cigarettes and make light-hearted jokes about each other’s criminal histories and pull up gigantic pots filled with crab out of an empty dark abyss while the Bering Sea tries to turn everyone into Otter Pops. C. J. McCollum played so well that his journalism degree might never have to be put to use which is good because JOURNALISM CAREER PROSPECTS ARE NOT WHAT THE DEVIL WEARS PRADA WOULD HAVE YOU BELIEVE. And Meyers Leonard! Yeah! He looked great out there! Real savvy! Like a coach on the floor! He got hit in the head twice still but hey, Meyers gonna Meyers! Usually that doesn’t mean scoring 8 points and grabbing 4 rebounds in 14 minutes though! Good on ya, Meyers! DeAndre Jordan is your muse! At least he’s your muse when he’s being merciful and not trying to turn you into the world’s most adorable railroad spike!

As for the last 2 minutes though… well, rather than me try to explain why the Blazers wildly hurled off-balance three-pointers when down by three points with plenty of time left instead of just looking for good shots and then playing defense, I’ll give you a few options and you can choose your own adventure:

  1. Drugs.
  2. During the final timeout, Terry Stotts led a bountiful discussion on the philosophical nature of time and the team collectively decided that the future was just a construct of our own mind and that we cannot rely upon the “law” that time will continue to pass in a way that mirrors how it has already passed, if it even continues to pass at all.
  3. Really hardcore drugs.
  4. My irrational fear of faux-Alpine theme restaurants, based on a time in my childhood when I had a recurring nightmare in a semi-asleep/semi-awake state while in a car outside such a restaurant.
  5. The kind of drugs that turn people into Ritz crackers.
  6. Doc Rivers is actually the real-life “Doc” from the Back to the Future movies and as such, he drove the DeLorean into the future location that doesn’t have roads, brought back nanorobots, then set them loose in Nicolas Batum’s breakfast cereal (They look like little marshmallows! But they’re not! They’re Doc Rivers infecting the brain of Batum like a fungus infecting an ant!).
  7. More of those drugs.
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