LaMarcus Aldridge climbed out of LaMarcus Aldridge’s vacuum-sealed overnight container at exactly 7:00AM on Wednesday and poured a bowl of depleted uranium to eat and a glass of molten lava to drink as LaMarcus Aldridge does every morning.
LaMarcus Aldridge arrived at the Moda Center exactly 6 hours before the game to shoot 1000 jump shots from every single infinitely small spot on the court because LaMarcus Aldridge has a quick release and a work ethic.
LaMarcus Aldridge spent the first quarter visually recording every movement and thought of Serge Ibaka and internally calculating how LaMarcus Aldridge could perfectly exploit them later in the game because LaMarcus Aldridge has a technologically advanced visual intake process and a work ethic.
LaMarcus Aldridge marveled at Robin Lopez’s early aggressiveness on offense because that dude is kinda weird and LaMarcus Aldridge has no capability to understand imperfection except for that time Paul Allen showed LaMarcus Aldridge the beta version of Microsoft Word because LaMarcus Aldridge knows word processing because LaMarcus Aldridge has a passion for office software and a work ethic.
LaMarcus Aldridge made LaMarcus Aldridge’s first shot with 7:43 to go in the first quarter and four more points quickly followed because LaMarcus Aldridge knows to strike when LaMarcus Aldridge has the wind conditions and barometric pressure properly calculated.
LaMarcus Aldridge scored 12 points in the first quarter but did not score a point in the second quarter because LaMarcus Aldridge sat on the bench for some time and watched as Kevin Durant and the Thunder built a lead and Terry Stotts received a technical foul for yelling deserved words of violence at the officials that LaMarcus Aldridge will not repeat because LaMarcus Aldridge has a distaste for crude language and a work ethic.
LaMarcus Aldridge spent the halftime interval tightening LaMarcus Aldridge’s focus because LaMarcus Aldridge recognized the need for LaMarcus Aldridge to match Kevin Durant because LaMarcus Aldridge has a mysteriously deep reservoir of competitive fire and a work ethic.
LaMarcus Aldridge hit two quick jumpers for the Blazers’ first four points of the second half to spark an 11-4 run that LaMarcus Aldridge also capped with another jumper to close the Thunder lead to 63-59 before Thunder coach Scotty Brooks called timeout to delay the inevitable doom of his team’s lead because LaMarcus Aldridge is inevitability.
LaMarcus Aldridge then allowed Damian Lillard and Nicolas Batum and Wes Matthews to lead a run to take the lead and enjoy their shine because LaMarcus Aldridge is gracious and LaMarcus Aldridge needed people to look elsewhere while LaMarcus Aldridge installed a nuclear reactor in the space around LaMarcus Aldridge’s right shoulder.
LaMarcus Aldridge hit a jumper with 4:43 to go in the third quarter to give the Blazers a three-point lead because LaMarcus Aldridge isn’t that gracious after all and Scotty Brooks immediately called another timeout because he could feel LaMarcus Aldridge ripping the Moda Center out of the ground and lifting it up to the heavens like when the genie in Aladdin is working for Jafar but Scotty didn’t want to go because Scotty is afraid of heights.
LaMarcus Aldridge scored 8 of the Blazers’ final 10 points in the quarter to maintain the Blazers’ 3 point lead because unlike Scotty Brooks, LaMarcus Aldridge is not afraid of heights and the heavens are a place that LaMarcus Aldridge knows very well and LaMarcus Aldridge could probably just stay up there forever because LaMarcus Aldridge has a nuclear reactor in his shoulder and a work ethic.
LaMarcus Aldridge sat down on the bench again to begin the fourth quarter because Terry Stotts has a sense of drama or was point shaving but let’s attribute it to Terry’s Hitchock-ian love of suspense as a Damian Lillard 3-pointer-slash-extinction-event put the Blazers up 7 before Kevin Durant and Serge Ibaka pulled the Thunder back.
LaMarcus Aldridge reentered the game with 7:13 to go and the Blazers still leading by three and LaMarcus Aldridge missed his first two jumpers because LaMarcus Aldridge forgot that he was no longer in space and water just doesn’t boil that quickly at ground level in the Willamette Valley.
LaMarcus Aldridge found the bucket again a few minutes later to give the Blazers a one point lead because LaMarcus Aldridge is LaMarcus Aldridge and LaMarcus Aldridge is still inevitability.
LaMarcus Aldridge embarked on LaMarcus Aldridge’s return trip to the heavens with 8 straight points to put the Blazers up 5 with two and a half minutes left before another Thunder comeback attempt was crushed by a Nicolas Batum 3-pointer to put the score at 108-104 with only 30 seconds left.
LaMarcus Aldridge rebounded Kevin Durant’s missed 3-point attempt with 25 seconds left and LaMarcus Aldridge hit two free throws to score LaMarcus Aldridge’s 37th and 38th points of the game and 25 game seconds later, the buzzer sounded on the Blazers’ 111-104 victory.
LaMarcus Aldridge then acknowledged the fans’ chants of “M-V-P,” told the media that it “made the night that much more complete,” and went home to obsessively examine what went wrong in each missed shot and eat a late night snack of depleted uranium because LaMarcus Aldridge has humility and a thirst for perfection and a work ethic.