This game is happened on the Friday of March Madness, at four in the afternoon, while Oregon was playing. I think its safe to say that you didn’t watch it. As a matter of fact, no one watched it. I am the only person who watched it. Here is what happened, since you probably don’t know:
The Blazers were wearing uniforms made of potato sacks, in deference to the idea of communal sacrifice. Stotts was dressed like a Dickensian man of capital, with a bowler and a little eyeglass. He barked at the players and chewed on a cigar, in a kind of concept play of the industrial revolution.
The Orlando Magic were playing a remix of the underground zones in Super Mario Brothers. Then the sound operator fell asleep into his microphone. For the next two hours, the entire stadium was flooded with the up-close sound of his snoring and a tacky remix of a video game song. It quickly became a nightmare and all but the most avant garde Magic fans left at halftime.
Chris Kaman scooped up a CJ McCollumn miss at the rim and dropped it back in. Then he pulled a flower out from behind his ear and handed it to a five year old girl in the front row. Everyone clapped, because the Magic scored on the other end.
The refs went to look at the replay review in Secaucus and it played an episode of “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt” instead. They stood there for twenty two minutes, watching a whole episode of Kimmy and Titus’s adventures.
Ben Gordon played. He is in the NBA.
Mike Rice said “This team will eat pudding during a game” because the camera picked up Andrew Nicholson eating pudding. This always drives me crazy, this horrible confirmation bias thing he does, saying “He’ll do that” right after someone does something, no matter how unlikely it was. Just because Nicholson was eating ONE PUDDING doesn’t mean he always eats pudding!
Luke Ridnour bit himself after missing a shot, ran his finger over the cut, and scored five points and forced a turnover in twenty seconds. Once the taste of his own blood would get him twenty, thirty points. But now, he can hardly make himself walk up a flight of stairs on that kind of blood. He would need to find a new fuel. But where!? WHERE!?
Kyle O’Quinn and Victor Olidipo ran a pick and pop. O’Quinn’s shot his the back iron. He pumped his fist and yelled “ALRIGHT, I HIT THE BACKIRON! I CAN THROW THE BALL FAR AS HELL!”
The broadcast suggested you go see Madonna at the Rose Garden on the Rebel Heart Tour. She hasn’t been to Portland since the Borderline tour! I was there! I grabbed her jean vest and ironed all of my Cub Scout patches to it.
Lamarcus Aldridge posted up on a dude, took three dribbles, went into the lane, and laid it in without contest. A French painting wept.
The Blazers let the Magic score 58 points in one half. In fairness, everyone on the Magic was given an extra inch of height before the game, and had it taken away at the half. Height makes you good at basketball, so it was a real problem!
When the second half started the Blazers were down two points. They got in a huddle. “Hey guys,” said the leader, “We need to get it together and make business happen. We are in a business here, we need to make that point money.” Everyone said “Wow leader (I think it was Thomas Robinson??? We are inspired. Let’s go out there and make business!”
So they made business and they were up, when a magicman got fouled. He missed the first shot and also missed the second. Oladipo was stalled at the rim by Lopez. A machine fired up in the distance. It was a point factory, and it had a shipment for the Blazers. THey opened the box. It had a bunch of points But would it be enough!?
Meyers came into the game and grabbed the ball and started barking at it, like a lion. A mighty lion’s bark. He said “You don’t like me but you will respect me and you will do what I say!”
Chris Kaman was injured when he went bowling at halftime and had to miss the rest of the game.
LaMarcus became the Blazers all time leading rebounder. He beat Clyde Drexler, which made the accomplishment seems somehow less important, seeing Drexler was a guard. This is really, more than anything, a testament to the Blazers’ habitual problems with big men.
Alexy Shved played. He scored 7 points. He’s on the Magic. He was waived by the Sixers and signed with the Magic. You didn’t watch this game, you could never prove me wrong.
One of the refs sprained his ankle. The trainer looked at him and he had to leave the game. He was replaced by the alternate.
The Magic went ahead in the fourth quarter because they tried really hard. Everyone was really happy. The Blazer announcers said “Well it’s okay because I think the Magic deserve this because they’re trying too hard. I congratulate them, and their fans, and the entire state of Florida.
Terry got mad about turnovers and started eating whole turnovers on the sideline. “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT,” he yelled at the team, “DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIEND TERRY TO BE A TURNOVER FATTY!”
Then, Lamarcus made a long two pointer. Then, the Magic made two points. This cycle rolled down the street to its inevitable home, an open manhole. The Blazers were devoured by the king of crocodiles who is a Florida resident and a registered voter (Republican.).
“The last time a rookie had back to back triple-doubles was in 1997. Antoine Walker.”