“Not a good loss, Jessica!” Said T. Rail Blazers as he walked into his palatial Portland home after a hard day of work.
“Oh, honey, tell me what happened.”
Rail headed to the fridge. He reached in and grabbed a beer. “I can’t imagine you would want to hear it, sweetie. It was hard and boring.”
Rail opened the beer and sat on top of a yoga ball his doctor made him use because of the bad back he got from falling on top of Jeff Ayres.
“It’s not going to get better if you don’t talk about it.” Jessica has become tired of Rail’s sad sack stories after work, but relationships are give and take, and it was important to get him to share his feelings. Even on supposedly good nights, like when he beat Mill Bucks, there was a torrent of complaints about the minutiae of the games. Things weren’t going well.
“Well, Jess–” Rail searched through his head, tried to piece together what had happened. “Okay, we shot pretty poorly from three.”
“Honey, that’s not all your fault. Shooting threes is a high variable strategy and it doesn’t always work. Remember the game against the Sixers?”
Rail gritted his teeth. Of course he remembered. He hated thinking about the Sixers game. “That’s true but this was different. We really weren’t getting good looks tonight. Maybe if LaMarcus wasn’t injured we could… God, I can’t think like that, it’s Orr Magic! His bosses aren’t even trying right now!”
Rail reached for his head to try to push a headache away. He took a mighty pull of his beer.
“You know, Rail,” said Jessica, knowing she was broaching a sensitive subject, “Maybe if you covered pick and rolls–”
Rail’s head shot up. “Covered them what, Jessica? With saran wrap? With paint?”
Jessica wasn’t going to put up with Rail’s bullshit. “I mean, just better. Maybe if you did a better job covering the roll man, Nikola Vucevic wouldn’t score 15 points in the first half and 22 overall.”
“Why are you even watching my games?”
“That’s rude, Rail. I watch the games because I like basketball and I’m interested in what you’re doing.”
“You just want to criticize me!”
“No, Rail. I want to see you do better. What is Tobias Harris, the guy on the Orlando Magic who sort of hilariously wears the number ‘12’ jersey after Dwight left, doing getting 25 and 11?! Is the defense that bad?”
“Hey, we closed out some pretty close games with tough defense!”
“LUCK closed out those games. Anyway, why were they close, Rail?!” Jessica had raised her voice. “They were close because of your BULLCRAP defense.”
“Whatever, that wasn’t why we lost tonight anyway.” Rail was retreating emotionally.
“You’re right, you PROBABLY actually lost because you decided to smear Crisco all over your hands before the game. Fifteen turnovers, a bunch of them live ball crosscourt interceptions? After two games that you could have won already slipped through your fingers? Do you even want to make the playoffs, Rail? We don’t live on the eastside of town, you can’t just mail in anemic garbage like that! Out here on the west side, there might be a 50-win team that doesn’t get accepted into the country club this spring, and you’re losing to a team two days after they were eliminated from contention? Why did Lillard keep missing at the rim, RAIL?!”
Rail stand up and throws his beer across the room. “HE WAS TIRED, IT WAS A BACK TO BACK, DAMNIT! YOU THINK I DON’T WANT TO MAKE THE PLAYOFFS,JESSICA?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITHOUT ALDRIDGE?! OR FREELAND, FOR THAT MATTER! I’VE HAD TO GIVE HIS MINUTES TO ALL KINDS OF KOOKY PLAYERS — YOU THINK THAT FEELS GOOD?!”
Jessica crossed her arms. “Rail, I know you are frustrated, and maybe I’ve been a little mean, but you absolutely don’t get to talk to me like that or throw things in this house. Go pick up the beer can.”
Rail walked to the other side of the house, retrieved the can, threw it in the garbage and collapsed on the couch. “I’m sorry, honey. That’s no way to act to the person you love.”
“No, it’s not.” Jessica feels bad for Rail. “But it wasn’t all bad, Will Barton had 7, 9, and 4, and a +3 net rating in 15 minutes! Pretty cool alley-oop from Batum in the second!
“It took 8 shots to get to 7 points, though.”
“Well, that’s not the worst thing.”
“God, I can’t believe the Magic shot 43% from the field. That’s the second worst offense in the league!”
“Well, you guys kinda left them open.”
“And what was with that obvious goaltend on Barton? I mean, we lost by 10, it wouldn’t have made a difference, but that seemed so obvious!”
“I know how angry you get about goaltending, after the Durant thing”
“Ugh. I don’t even wanna think about the Durant thing right now. Let’s go to Olive Garden, I need some breadsticks.
“Sorry Mo got straight crossed up by Olidipo.”
“Heh. He did. Actually, that was pretty funny.”
“You know I wasn’t gonna say, but it really was.”
The two of them laughed, picked up their coats, and headed out for a night of horrible pasta from hell. (NO FREE ADS)
“Man, what was with the empty seats in Orlando? Haven’t they heard of Groupon?”